Communication in Our Cultural Context

How can we bridge the gap of hidden cultural differences in our marriages to have better conflict?

To look at us, you wouldn’t say that my husband and I come from different cultural contexts. We are both Caucasian and both speak with a similar North American accent, even specific to the north eastern region of the country. But when we got married, it became clear that there were some cultural differences contributing to our communication. Conversations around finances, male and female roles, and even emotions, were informed by our upbringing in ways that could sometimes lead to conflict. Fortunately, over the years, we have learned two skills that help us navigate those differences.

The first skill we learned was curiosity. When we stopped being offended by the other person and asked questions about what led them to think or act in certain ways, we were able to develop a deeper understanding of one another. We found questions such as, “What did your church teach regarding husbands and wives working outside the home?”, or, “How did your family handle major purchases?”, staved off hurt feelings and saved us from some unnecessary arguments. This curiosity also led us to opportunities to seek God together to find out what Scripture says. 

The second skill we learned was compassion. The word compassion means “to suffer with” when translated literally. In order to taste a little of another person’s suffering, it is necessary to walk in their shoes, and it’s very hard to be angry at someone when you know they are hurting. It sounds simple, however, it’s not easy because of the way our brains are wired to respond when we feel threatened. Our natural inclination in conflict is self-preservation, which means we have to notice that tendency in our own hearts and practice choosing to move toward the other person instead. 

As you experience cultural conflict, here are some practical tips to apply curiosity and compassion:

1. Take a break - when you notice you are falling into self-preservation, pause the conversation and set a time to come back to it.

2. Bring it to the Wonderful Counselor - tell God all you’re feeling and thinking and ask him to help you communicate with grace.

3. See through God’s eyes - Ask God to help you see the other person the way He does.

4. Ask good questions - Steer clear of “Why”, as it can feel attacking. Try reframing questions using “What” or “How” instead.

5. Reflect back - summarize the other person’s thoughts and feelings to show understanding. 

Lord willing, these steps will help improve your communication and better understand and support one another.

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About the Author

Abby is a Marriage and Family Therapist working towards licensure. In addition to being a counselor, she is a speaker and writer with a Master's Degree in Marriage and Family Therapy from Lancaster Bible College, and our Executive Director.

Through her years as a counselor, her family’s experience being relief house parents at the

Milton Hershey School, her role as a college and career counselor, and her own journey raising her two children, she has found God’s Word to be the most reliable source of guidance, instruction, and comfort. With Scripture as the foundation, Abby applies evidence-based principles of psychology to help couples, families, individuals and children flourish in a fractured world.

Learn More About Abby