Healing Church Hurt Without Giving Up on the Church

When the church becomes a place of pain instead of peace, how do we grieve, process, and still hold fast to Christ and His Bride?

While our church communities should be places of rest and refuge, sometimes they let us down.

What do we do when sin and brokenness are no longer “out there” but within the walls of our churches? Our leaders fall short, believers fall into gossip, and insularity breeds cliques. Perhaps we have shared the “fine china of our lives” (Paul Tripp) with our shepherds, only to be met with misunderstanding, rejection, or even abusive behavior. And, unfortunately, once we experience these hurts, they become difficult to unsee. For many, this results in leaving a church for another, only to find that the same patterns and memories from the past still haunt us.

The early church was fraught with church hurt. Paul frequently dealt with churches that were deep in conflict and dysfunction, and he addressed them directly. In Philippians 4:2-3, Paul calls out two women by name who are in conflict, urging them to “agree in the Lord,” and to put aside resentment for the sake of the Gospel. Paul knew how dangerous conflict is for the souls of believers, and he wasn’t afraid to address it. The church should be a place of safety, love, and security and when it’s not, God’s people get hurt.

Processing through hurt in the church is complex, and the wounds run deep. Stepping away from a bad situation can be helpful, but there is spiritual and psychological danger in isolation. Jesus loves the Church; she is his Bride.

How can we simultaneously heal from past hurts and yet resist the temptation to give up on the Bride of Christ entirely?

Some questions to consider:

• If you are in a season of church hurt, how are you continuing to seek the Lord and trust in Him?

• If attending church has been difficult recently, how can you continue to seek the support of other believers?

• Is there anything you can do to rectify the situation?

  • For example, is there conflict that can be safely addressed? If so, who could you identify as a conversational mediator?

• Along with seeking the Lord and his Word, who can speak wisdom into your situation?

• What barriers or patterns in your own heart may follow you to a new place of worship after leaving?

• If stepping away for a time seems best, what boundaries and safeguards will you put in place? How will you clearly communicate your concerns to leadership and to other believers?

If you believe you are in a spiritually abusive situation, there are many resources available to you. GRACE (Godly Response to Abuse in a Christian Environment) can assist you in finding resources to help you heal. Biblical counselors are also trained to identify spiritual abuse and can help you discern next steps towards safety. The church is broken because of the sin in our hearts, but Christ will overcome sin and death one day. We must look to Him in faith, knowing that he will one day restore and reconcile the Church.

Additional Recommended Resources:

After Doubt by A.J. Swoboda

A Place to Belong: Learning to Love the Local Church by Megan Hill

Bully Pulpit: Confronting the Problem of Spiritual Abuse in the Church by Michael J. Kruger

Sighing on Sunday: 40 Meditations for When Church Hurts by Megan Hill

You don't have to heal alone - reach out.

Lily Martin has been a part of the In Him Family for 1.5 years. She began as an intern and is now a staff member. Lily brings a unique blend of biblical wisdom and contemporary psychological principles to her counseling practice. With experience in ministry and clinical Christian counseling, she is passionate about helping clients navigate life’s challenges as individuals made in the image of God.

Learn More About Lily